Tuesday, 24 February 2009

Running with Zombies

I know, I know. I have been neglecting the blog again. To make up I wrote a little short. It's about zombies. Go read!


Running with Zombies

From: john.grove@pr-marcusezombieplant.us

Sent: Friday, march 20, 2036 3:56 pm

To: charles.sinclair@r&d-marcusezombieplant.us

Subject: The best publicity for zombie energy!

Dear Charles,

I know that we had our disagreements in the past. We had our share of arguments over some of the ideas I launched to promote the use of zombie energy to the public. And yes, I’ll be honest; sometimes your objections appeared to be valid in the end. With hindsight the ‘Take a Picture with a Zombie’ idea for our guided tours should have had more safety precautions, especially after that school kid got bitten.

As we both know, however, the future does not look as bright as it could or should look. And although you have been saying that success is just around the corner – that next year our 3000 zombies will provide electricity for the whole East Coast – our investors are beginning to doubt whether they will ever get a return on their investment. If you don’t deliver they will pull the plug on your beloved dynamo.

So Charles, we’ve got to do something now that will convince the investors to stick with the project. Luckily I’ve been seeing a few friends of mine in Hollywood. Did you know they rebuild it almost as it was before? It is a place like no other, a veritable dream factory. They pitched me a great idea and I’m positive it will blow you away.

Picture this: five contestants on your treadmill being chased by a herd of zombies.

Who will hold out longest? Who will keep on running? And the zombs of course never lose a step. I’m talking sweat and tears, Charles, right down to the finish line. We could do bets, call-ins; have the zombs wear signature suits that are up for sponsoring. Think big, think WrestleMania. During the runs we show a few promos about the project, maybe in a sidebar. On how we extract our zombies from the white zones, for example, or how we turn their kinetic energy into electricity. The main thing of course is that the public will understand the importance of clean, reliable zombie energy.

Imagine all of the publicity and ad revenues we get. Okay, tell me what you think about it, Charles.


p.s. What sounds better: the Running Dead Man or Don’t Bite Me, Bro?


From: charles.sinclair@r&d-marcusezombieplant.us

Sent: Friday, march 20, 2036 4:34 pm

To: john.grove@pr-marcusezombieplant.us

Subject: re: The best publicity for zombie energy!

Disagreements in the past?!

Are you fucking kidding me!? I’ve had enough of all the half-assed ideas you inflict on this project. Do you have any idea of the amount of crap I had to wade through after that whole ‘Take a Picture’ disaster? A class of school children, John. A whole goddamn class of school children.

And now you want to televise such cock-ups?

I’m not going to let you degenerate my father’s life work into some kind of family snuff entertainment.

Call it Stupid Idiots Eaten Alive for all I care. It’s not going to happen.


From: john.grove@pr-marcusezombieplant.us

Sent: Friday, march 20, 2036 4:45 pm

To: charles.sinclair@r&d-marcusezombieplant.us

Subject: re:re: The best publicity for zombie energy!

Dear Charles,

I’m afraid you misunderstood me. I act only with the best of intentions when it comes to your project, Charles. I understand that you might be a little bit skittish of having your work turn up on TV. But rest assured, Charles. The producers, my friends, guaranteed me that the whole show would be done with style and taste.

Trust me, Charles. Your work has the potential to change the future of our great nation, but sadly the public lacks confidence in zombie energy. Can you blame them, Charles?

Do you think Joe Average wants electricity produced by a bunch of corpses on a treadmill that used to be his grandfather and mother?

Trust me; I know how to make people comfortable. And this show will not only win people’s trust, they will be actually dying to see our zombs.

So just think about it, okay


p.s. The producers were wondering if the speed of the treadmill can be controlled. They think the show would be more exciting if the speed goes up every five minutes.


From: john.grove@pr-marcusezombieplant.us

Sent: Monday, march 23, 2036 10:23 am

To: charles.sinclair@r&d-marcusezombieplant.us

Subject: Update on the show

Dear Charles,

I was hoping you would have replied by now, but if you need more time to think about it, that’s okay with me.

I have taken the liberty of taking it to the board of directors this weekend and they loved it!

Things are moving fast now, Charles. I think it is best if we meet face to face. Get our differences out of the way, have some lunch and make this project work!

Do you like sushi?


p.s. We decided on the name ‘American Runner’. It has a nice ring to it doesn’t it?


From: charles.sinclair@r&d-marcusezombieplant.us

Sent: Monday, march 23, 2036 pm

To: john.grove@pr-marcusezombieplant.us

Subject: re: Update on the show

I don’t want anything to do with you and your sick show. Even the Z-gulags in Russia are more humane. At least there they keep a fence between them.

There are also technical issues that make this whole ‘show’ the mother of all bad ideas.

What you are proposing is the equivalent of flooding the UPM with clutter. What do you think would happen when the zombs on the front would catch one of those idiots? They stop and start eating. But since the treadmill is still in motion they would move backwards into the other zombies who are still going forward. Impact after impact would happen until either the treadmill clogs up or all the zombs are catapulted off it at the end.

Do you have any idea the amount of damage my carefully selected specimens would suffer? Legs would break, arms snap off or, god forbid, their brains would receive such trauma they would be permanently out of order.

Don’t you get it that we catch and select the specimens in such a way that the herd will move at the same speed. Only the optimum constant speed will ensure that the treadmill generates the never-ending supply of energy we are trying to unlock.

How many fucking times do I have to explain how the Undead Perpetuum Mobile works?!

It’s not going to happen.


From: john.grove@pr-marcusezombieplant.us

Sent: Wednesday, march 25, 2036 9:50 am

To: charles.sinclair@r&d-marcusezombieplant.us

Subject: Disappointed

Dear Charles,

I’m sorry to write this, but I have to be honest with you. You are acting like a spoiled child. Not only are you being unnecessarily stubborn, you are being selfish as well.

Have you realized the good this show could do for America and its industries?

Maybe you have not realized it while you were stuck in your lab, but the majority of America has moved beyond the zombie threat. People are not scared anymore by the living dead, Charles. There are fewer zombie sightings every year. And usually it’s just some thawed half decomposed zombie!

The American people are complacent. Do you know what that does to an industry if no one wants to buy anti-zombie products anymore? What about the news channels? Do you think you can make a headline if the only news you got is one lousy thawed zombie or yet another casualty free UN battle in white zone Iceland?

If we don’t act now zombies will be a thing of the past, Charles. The people need to realize again the danger they are in. They need to see the blood and gore. They need to be reminded of what it is zombies do with decent Americans.

We can do that with this show. And if in the meantime it jump-starts a few ailing industries and help a few senators get reelected, is it really such a bad idea then, Charles?

I hope you reconsider. You are the only one against it, Charles. Trust me: nobody lasts long alone.



From: charles.sinclair@r&d-marcusezombieplant.us

Sent: M, march 23, 2036 10:05 pm

To: john.grove@pr-marcusezombieplant.us

Subject: re: Disappointed


From the bottom of my heart: screw you.

I own enough shares to block it.


From: john.grove@pr-marcusezombieplant.us

Sent: Friday, November 17, 2037 9:05 am

To: louis.smith@r&d-marcusezombieplant.us

Subject: Congratulations!

Dear Louis,

Congratulations with last night’s premier episode of American Runner! We had a whopping 51% rating. More then 50 million Americans watched it. UPM is the talk of the town.

You and your team really came through with that tension-inducing speed regulator. My whole family was glued to the screen.

If only Charles could have seen it all as well. Such a shame he died in that unfortunate accident last summer. It still gives me goose bumps thinking about it. Him working late at night on the treadmill in the tube. How the zombies escaped from their holding pens will always remain a mystery, Louis.

Anyways I just want to say to keep up the good work.